Oh, hi remember me?
I haven’t posted in a long time. Like, a really long time. It’s been a lot of life: company, holidays, travel, minor health stuff, major decisions and changes…just, a lot.
But I’m here! Things are more good than bad. I have a whole big Christmas/Disneyland update to share, which I’m wrapping up this week….gosh, I hope so, anyway. But, in the meantime, here are some updates in the major areas of the Do It Darrling world:
Food + Fitness: Lord, help. I did pretty well with everything until that fuzzy patch of living between the holidays and the trip. Yes, I managed to keep it mostly together through the holidays. I don’t count Christmas week, because if you can’t eat what you want during Christmas week, what are you even doing with your life? But the promise of the churros and Dole whips to come did not serve me well as I struggled to get back on track after (what was supposed to be) a single week of indulgence. We also had a lot of company, including some extended family who is an actual pastry chef at an actual five-star resort, so some mistakes were made. Three courses of dessert? What could possibly go wrong?
Making matters more complicated was the fact that a number of extenuating circumstances pre-empted my dance fitness classes…like, constantly. Holidays and events always seemed to be falling on my teaching nights, and I found myself canceling class after class. This taught me a valuable lesson: teaching is a huge part of what keeps me practicing consistently! Without that touchstone (or sword of Damocles, depending on the week) motivating me, I am very prone to giving in to The Blerch. Throw in an ear infection and a broken tooth that bought me two very exciting weeks of chronic, throbbing agony and feeling loopy AF on prescription pain pills, and you’ve got yourself a combination for that most dangerous of beasts: inertia.
This is all a very complicated way of excusing myself for having a very hard time getting my ass back in gear. While I work on getting back to my best self, I’ve temporarily suspended my dance fitness classes, which breaks my heart, but also feels like the right thing to do right now. While I was struggling to find enough hours in the day in the midst of everything I touched on above, I was giving every spare minute to learning choreography that I would never get the chance to teach. I never did figure out how to fill the room, which made something I initially felt really great about turn into a source of sadness and shame (should probably do a whole-ass post about this, because #mentalhealthawareness).
So, here’s a big deal thing: I don’t hate myself. I didn’t straight-up quit. I am getting back on the horse. These are major victories, because this is usually about the time I go into the self-hate spiral and give up on anything that’s good for me. I need to get reconditioned, learn new choreography, and get my head back on straight. These are things I can do. I am back to the way of eating that sustains my mental and physical health (did anyone else pick up on the fact that I coincidentally got sick in the middle of my torrid love affair with sugar and gluten?). I just started working out again last week after close to a month off, so I need to add a chiropractic appointment to my to-do list, but otherwise, this is all good stuff.
Finances: This one’s been a rollercoaster. In all of December’s chaos, we made a major oversight in December that screwed us HARD (like, borrowing money from family in a panic, hard), but it was very short-lived and we were able to get everything back on track and then some within 48 hours. This kind of thing is hard for me, psychologically. Growing up poor, it is about so much more than the money. But, I was able to suck it up and admit that I made a huge bookkeeping error, tuck my tail and ask for help, and move on. This is growth.
Literally 48 hours after being overdrawn and panicked, we got Husbandman’s annual bonus and were able to pay off nearly half of our last credit card. With our tax refund in a few weeks, we will pay off the other half, and then we will be on to our LAST CONSUMER DEBT!
Really. We’ll have a few thousand dollars left to pay off our minivan–which we can do quickly, when we’re not spending over $1,000 a month on interest–and then we’re done. Done with ALL debt, outside of our mortgage. We are so close to being financially free*!
*By this, of course, I mean, as “financially free” as people with one income and four children under ten can be.
Family Fun: The one area that hasn’t really been neglected! In fact, I mostly neglected everything else, so that I could invest in this. We are further behind on homeschool lessons than I would like, but I’m not concerned because summer is coming and we live in the devil’s butthole, so we will be crushing a lot of heavy academics, come the solstice. In the meantime, we’ve had a lot of quality time together and made some amazing memories.
Fearless Flourishing: This is a tough one to pin down. In some regards, I have felt like a failure: not working out, not eating well, temporarily screwing up our finances…hell, I haven’t even managed to write more than a few hundred words in the last six weeks. Honestly, I’m pretty sure I accidentally threw away a full bottle of my ADHD meds. That’s right–somewhere out there, there’s some trash-possums tweaking like a motherfather. So, ya know. I’m basically crushing it.
I thought about shutting down the blog, because I’m “not writing enough”, and it’s totally embarrassing to me that I haven’t posted in so long. I thought about quitting dance fitness altogether, for the reasons I listed above. I felt the pull of the shame spiral, as I meditated on how I screwed up yet another thing (things, in this case). But instead, I’m choosing to show up today. Putting one foot in front of the other, one keystroke after another. One dollar at a time, one meal at a time, one workout at a time…I’ll get back to where I was a couple of months ago, and then I can keep getting awesomer.
This resilience does not come naturally to me. It’s a choice. I’m choosing to show up again.
Please tell me I’m not alone on this. Have you ever lost momentum? Are you back in the game yet? How are you going to show up for yourself today, tomorrow, the next day?